From: Betty 
Date: Thu Jun 14, 2001 5:57 pm
Subject: 

Hi

This is Betty.  I am in trouble. Somehow everyone I know has found out about
what I have been writing here and my life is ruined!  My son has gone to live
with his father without even saying goodbye.  He just didn't come home a few
nights ago and I was worried sick until his father called.  He seemed really
mad but he just said Chris would be living with him from now on and he would be
by next weekend to pick up the rest of Chris's things.  That's when I looked in
his drawers and found that most of his clothes were gone.

Then, the next day on my walk to work I saw a woman I know from church and said
"hi' but she looked at me with this disgusted look and just hurried away.  I
could not figure out what I had done, but it really bothered me.  You should
have seen how she looked at me!  

Then I got to work and my boss gave me a funny look, too, and I started getting
a bad feeling.  

I knew I was in trouble when I saw one of my best friends go to a different
checkout and when she saw me looking at her, she just turned away with a look
as if she hated me.  It was aweful.  I just knew that somehow everybody had
found out about me, about the things I have been doing.  What else could it
have been?  And I knew that Chris knew too, and that was why he left and that
he had told his father which was why he sounded angry.  I was sick.  I couldn't
keep working, I was shaking so badly, so I took a break but that only gave me
more time to wonder what else it could be and I couldn't think of anything.  I
felt sick to my stomach and could feel my heart pounding.  It was aweful.  And
almost the worst was not knowing what they all knew.  I still don't.  No one
will talk to me.  Even my mother, when I called her that night, said she could
not talk and that she would call me in a few days.  God, I want to die.  This
is the worst.  I want to run away and never come back.  When the kids who hang
out at the mall started talking and pointing at me, laughing amongst
themselves, and my son's girlfriend came over and told me I am disgusting in
front of the customers, I couldn't take it any more and ran away, crying.  I
went to ask the manager if I could have the rest of the day off because I
wasn't feeling well, and he told me that maybe I just should not come in any
more.  

That was it.  That was the last straw and I completely lost control.  I went
running out of the store tears pouring down my face, with everyone staring at
me with knowing looks.  They all knew.  Everyone knows.  I can't leave my
apartment.  I can't answer the phone because it is either somebody who wants to
tell me how sick I am or some man who wants a blowjob.  Two young guys came to
my door last night asking if I wanted to blow them.  I slammed the door on
their leering grins but I can still see them in my head, laughing at me.

I don't know what I am going to do.  I have enough for this month's rent, but
not much more, and I don't think U.I. will cover me because I got fired.  

And then, as if all that was not enough, when I tried to log into my e-mail
account my password would not work. Its like the whole world is out to get me! 
I have tried and tried until I wanted to throw this thing out the window, so
now I just made a new account.

Oh this is stupid.  Writing this isn't helping at all.  I am going out of my
mind.  I can't even leave the apartment because I will see somebody I know.  I
don't have a car, but I just can't go to Wells for groceries, but I am starting
to run out of things. Oh, now I'm crying again.  This isn't working.  My life
is completely ruined telling someone about it doesn't make it the least bit
better.  Especially when I know that someone who belongs to this group is
telling people what I say here.  Whoever you are, you have ruined my life.  I
hope your happy.

Betty