From: betty b 
Date: Thu Dec 28, 2000 11:10 am
Subject: My dream

So I have decided I am going to do it.  I am going to not give the super for my
building a cheque before the first this month and see if he will force me to
put out for him.  I am quite nervous, partly because of actually going through
with my fantasies but more, just because I am afraid of getting in trouble.  I
know he can't throw us out because of the Landlord and Tenant Act, but I hate
people getting mad at me.  Anyway, wish me luck.

I want to finish telling you about that day last summer in the clothing store
because I think the dream I had that night actually effected me more than what
I had seen.

When I got home that morning after seeing that couple in the change-room I
could not get it out of my mind.  The whole bizarre scene kept playing through
my head.    I tried a shower, a drink, television, but nothing could get it out
of my mind.  
It took me forever to fall asleep that night and then I woke up in the middle
of the night shouting something.  I had been having a dream sort of like what I
had seen and I am pretty sure I had an orgasm in my sleep.  If I did, it was my
first ever.  I have had them since, but nothing like what I remember that
night.  I think it was an orgasm but just really intense just because I did it
in my sleep.

In the dream, it was me that was on my knees, but it wasn't the change room it
was in a stall in a public washroom.  It was totally filthy and there was
broken glass all over the floor and I was chained on my knees with my hands
handcuffed behind the rusty pipes behind the toilet so my knees were all
bleeding from the glass.  The toilet was totally, disgustingly filthy and there
was no seat and it had not been flushed.  A guy - not the same guy from that
morning but someone else I know - was forcing me to suck his cock and when he
came it was huge.  Like a garden hose full of sperm blasting me in the face,
covering me, choking me until I was drowning in it.  But I was LOVING it.  I
was being treated like a dirty whore and I loved it and I think I was saying
"Thank-you" over and over.  There was more but it was so sick I can't write it.

Then I woke up with my heart pounding and the sheets soaked under my butt.  I
felt between my legs and in nineteen years of marriage I am sure I had never
been that wet.

I felt awful.  So guilty and dirty.  I think I had been trying to pretend that
I'd been completely disgusted by what I had seen in that change-room.  But
after that dream I could not pretend that I had not found it arousing, too. 
And not just from watching it. The dream had been so intense and I had been so
excited in it that I suddenly could not deny what I had really been feeling in
that change room.  And as I lay there for hours in the aftermath of that dream,
I kept trying to get back there, back into that horrible filthy toilet, back to
having my head forced on and off the guy's cock.  I had never thought such
things in my life but somehow, after that dream, I didn't want it to go away. 
I kept telling myself that it was sick and disgusting but I could not stop
thinking about it.  You will probably think this is stupid, but I think that
was the first time in my life that I was really turned on. 

So I masturbated.  Honestly, I have never done that before in my life and I
felt totally pathetic a grown woman lying there alone rubbing myself like a
loser, but it seemed as if it would help.  It didn't.  It just made me more
turned on but I couldn't cum.  So I started imagining the dream again, and then
I made it even nastier.  I can't tell you what I was thinking but believe me,
it was really sick.  And I actually made myself cum which I thought I couldn't.
 I thought I would be able to sleep then, because my husband always did after
he came.  But my mind was still wide awake and full of sick images.  This is
embarrassing, but I actually masturbated for the rest of the night.  My pussy
hurt at the end but I kept doing it.

The next day at work, I was totally disgusted by my fantasies of the night
before.  Having that dream was bad enough, but thinking the things I had been
after I woke up was just sick.  But then I would start thinking about what I
had seen the day before again and soon I was all wet.  I had not realized it
then, but I know now that the guilt and shame I feel at having these fantasies
turns me on as much as the fantasies do.  

Anyway, I was still very upset the next day.  It felt as if my life was
completely shattered.  I mean, I had already felt as if my life was in ruins
from my husband leaving me.  But now I felt sort of broken.  You kind of think
you know who you are, what you believe in, what you want out of life.  And what
you DO NOT want.  And suddenly I had learned something about myself that I had
never known was there.  And something that would have disgusted me if I HAD
known.  It felt as if I had been lying to myself all my life.  Which made me
start wondering if there was anything else I was not admitting to myself.   It
really was an unpleasant feeling to suddenly start questioning EVERYthing. 

And beyond that there was the weird feeling that even the rest of the world was
no longer the same.  Had I been living in a dream world all my life when in
fact in change-rooms all over the worlds handcuffed girls were enjoying being
covered in sperm and then forced to eat it?

My sleep has been messed up ever since then.  I go to bed earlier but I can
never get to sleep because of all the sick fantasies I have.  Sometimes I try
masturbating, but it always takes me a really long time to cum and it takes a
really sick fantasy so I feel like I am falling into a deeper and deeper hole. 
And often I can't cum which just leaves me completely awake and frustrated and
humiliated that I can't even get that right.  If I don't masturbate then I am
awake anyway.  And the problem is that I like it.  I have tried to stop it but
it is like I am addicted.  

After a month or two it was getting harder to find fantasies that would turn me
on enough to cum.  So that is when I started looking on the Internet. 
Everybody knows that you can find porno on the Internet but I had never
actually looked.  It isn't hard, is it!  My God, I had no idea you could see
all that!  I was completely disgusted.  At the porn and at myself for looking
at it, but I kept looking.  And when I couldn't find good free stuff I actually
joined a site called "Cum On Her Face".  My son was back in school by then and
I would spend my entire days off in front of the computer watching girls
getting "Facials" and drinking sperm out of glasses and stuff.  And when he
spends nights at his fathers I stay up to all hours looking at porno.  Even if
I have to work in the morning  Its an addiction.  It is so sick.  And the thing
is I hate myself for doing it, but I can't stop.  I have printed out a whole
bunch of cum stories and I read them in bed at night.

I can't even tell you what I did next.  It is so sick I can't even admit it to
people I will never meet.  

But thanks for listening.  Its really hard for me to admit all these thing, but
I do feel better for having told someone.  

Wish me luck with the super

Betty