From: betty b 
Date: Tue Dec 19, 2000 2:41 pm
Subject: I need to talk

I don't know why I am writing this.  I guess I just need to talk to someone and
I could never tell anyone I actually know.  Usually, if something is bothering
me I find that if I tell one of my girlfriends or my mother I feel better for
it.  And up until a few months ago, there was nothing I could not have told
them.  Now, there is a whole world inside my brain that I would absolutely die
if they even suspected. But I feel if I don't tell someone I am going to burst.
 So I will tell my dirty little confession to the members of this mail group
and hopefully that will help.  

I looked at a lot of groups before I picked this one to write to.  Most of the
other ones were too huge.  Also, I see a couple of other women here so I think
I will feel more comfortable.  

You guys will probably think I am pretty silly and inexperienced when you read
this.  I am sure for you guys the idea of eating sperm or squirting your sperm
all over a woman is pretty normal thing.  

But honestly, if any one had even mentioned the idea of it to me even a year
ago I would have been disgusted.  I mean my stomach would have churned at the
thought of it.  And there is no way I would ever have been writing an e-mail to
a group like this.  I would have thought of you all as a bunch of sick perverts
and wouldn't have been caught dead on some of the Web sites I have joined.  

But I guess I am a bit of a pervert now, too.  What happened was that I saw
something  last summer and it has become a fixation.  I accidentally saw this
girl giving a guy a bj and, well, I guess it really turned me on.  Afterward I
could not get it out of my mind.  I kept seeing it in my head.  I fantasize
about it. I even dreamed about it.  I  - oh this is embarrassing - I have even
started masturbating thinking about it.  I am forty one years old and I have
never masturbated in my life and now can't stop myself.  I have tried to stop
but I can't make myself stop thinking about eating sperm and then I get so
frustrated that I feel like I'll go nuts if I don't rub my dripping pussy just
a little.  Then just a bit more. And then I am rubbing myself frantically like
a cat in heat feeling totally pathetic and guilty because I do not have the
willpower to stop and because I have such disgusting things in my head.  And I
feel like a total loser masturbating when I know other people are actually
doing these things.

Because I have never actually done it.  Eaten sperm, I mean.  See, I told you
you would think I was stupid writing into this group.  But I was not very
experienced when I got married and I guess I was a bit of a prude.  When we
were first married my husband used to try to get me to put his dick in my mouth
and I did it a few times, just to please him.  But I was really disgusted by
the whole idea and I guess it probably showed because he stopped asking after a
while.  I never did do it long enough for him to cum in my mouth.  I think I
would have thrown up if he'd done that.

Which is pretty funny when you think that now that he is gone - he left me last
spring - I couldn't get to sleep last night because I kept fantasizing about a
bunch of young guys forcing me to suck their cocks and then cumming all over me
until I was awash with sperm.  

I am shaking my head.  I still can't believe some of the sick things I imagine.
  I used to think of myself as such a nice, normal woman.  I loved my husband
and son, called my mother at least once a day, oh… I don't even know what I am
trying to say.  I was just normal.  I did not have filthy fantasies.  I did not
lie awake for hours masturbating like a slut.  I went to church on Sundays with
my mother and was on two different church committees and everything was ok.  

Now look at me.  I guess I don't like myself much these days.  It's like my
entire life has turned upside down and I have become everything I ever looked
down on.  Except even that is just all in my head so I feel stupid because I
can't even get that right.

Oh, I'm embarrassing myself.  I am going to stop writing now.  Maybe I will
write some more later.

Thanks for listening

Betty